Subject Line: Weekly Nugget: Stop Being A Victim of Others’ Expectations
Too often in relationships, we take others' expectations as some kind of declarative order. We build up this mood of being a victim of other people’s expectations, and we either silently suffer and do what’s expected of us or we fight it.
We make people wrong by saying, “How could they possibly expect this from us?” The mood of resentment builds up in the process, and the relationship that would otherwise be a source of power together becomes a psycho-prison from which we want to escape.
The central matter here is that we fail to negotiate for our satisfaction, for what really matters to us. We also fail to listen to what really matters to the other person. Perhaps they lack the same skills, so they may try to take care of us and themselves by setting expectations.
However, the main problem is not that they have expectations. The main problem is that we take their expectations as some kind of order that must be followed or resisted. We get trapped in this duality, cut corners, and grow resentful.
What you call expectation, see it as just an offer, not a declaration of your future. You can decline the offer or negotiate it. And you can take care of the other person in the process and have the other person take care of you. See that you have those moves available to you.
So, let’s put an end to being a ‘victim of expectations.’ When you find that someone has an expectation of you that does not work for you, try making these three moves.
Suppose your partner expects you to join her at an event with her co-workers or family next weekend. But you have some work to do and are afraid that if you say no, you’ll offend them. All the while, you feel short-changed, wondering how they could expect this from you, knowing that you are busy.
The three moves to stop being a victim of their expectations are:
Take care of them. Tell them that they matter to you and are important to you, and your relationship with them is of paramount value, maybe even the most important one in your life. Assure them you really mean it and demand that they take you seriously because you take them seriously. Build emotional energy here, and make sure they understand that they really matter to you.
With kindness, decline their offer. Tell them you have considered it carefully, and it does not work for you. You might offer explanations or reasons, but these should be offered only to improve the mood, not to ‘be right.’ If what is expected (“offered or requested”) does not work for you, decline it firmly. Or make a counteroffer and negotiate if it works for you. “I can’t go with you next weekend to your friend’s party, but how about we invite them over during the holidays this year?”
Ask them to take care of you. Remind them that you are also important to them. Re-minding (putting in mind again) is an important part of this game. Articulate what is happening for you, what matters to you, and how you would love their support in what you are doing. If they cannot materially support you with time, attention, or money, then ask them to encourage you and emotionally support you. Tell them it matters because they matter, and your relationship matters.
These moves will help you restore mutual dignity and produce deep freedom for both of you in the game of life, work, and career. At first, note them down clearly for yourself and make the moves paradigmatically. With practice, you will not need to follow the paradigm, and it will become your habit. Okay, that's all. If you make these moves in a relationship, drop me a note and let me know how it goes.
By the way, we have formally relaunched our redesigned Emerging Leaders Program to help you practice skills like this in peer groups and in conversations with me and other coaches at Conceivian. Join me here, and please invite anyone who is interested in up-leveling in their career, business, and life.
With care,
Saqib
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