Weekly Nugget: What Goes Wrong In Most Relationships?

Hi friend, 

What goes wrong in most relationships is that people often engage in them not for the joy of the relationship itself but to get something out of it, like you get lemon juice out of lemons.

You might ask, “What else is there to do with lemons, right?” Well, yes, right, but that’s how we treat relationships. We moderns seek enjoyment as a noun, but we don't embrace joy as a verb of engagement.

We enjoy some sensory pleasure, benefit, or something we think we want from the relationship. But often, there is no commitment to the relationship itself for its own sake. We love destinations, and we bore quickly of the journey. That is what goes wrong in most relationships.

Commitment to the relationship itself requires that you expand yourself, that you include in your ambitions and goals, not just your goals but the goals and ambitions of others in the relationship.

When you begin to think about not just your own personal goals, but the goals and ambitions of others, and ground your actions in the care for the relationship, you have the possibility of avoiding a tragedy that is inevitable in every relationship that matters. 

What tragedy is that? Tragically, in every relationship, at one point or another, someone is bound to move unilaterally out of their self-serving assessments, blind to what matters to the other.

And if both people have been in the relationship to get something out of it, one party is bound to feel resentful because someone or both are now not getting what they wanted.

The more you don't get what you want from the relationship, the more your mood sours. You think the relationship is not working, and it stops working because you stop trying. You stop making offers and generating the mood required for a relationship to thrive. You indulge in entitled entrapment moods.

You indulge in moods of feeling wronged, ignored, rejected, or not appreciated by the other.

If your idea of the relationship is how special you are going to feel, then at the first sign of trouble, you are in a bit of trouble because now you don't feel special.

But if your idea of a relationship is to explore the worlds of the other person, celebrate the diversity of opinions and values, and allow grace and listening, you will experience something powerful and mysterious—that is love.

I teach foundational skills for relationships at work, in ELP. If you would like to experience a new dimension of trust, joy, and well-being in business and personal relationships, join us. Drop me a note if you are interested and have questions.

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With love,
Saqib