Weekly Nugget: From One Resentful Person To Another
Hi friend,
How many opportunities have you lost in your job, in your career, and in your life because of resentment? How many work relationships have you thrown away, and how much belonging have you missed out on, because you refused to forgive and let go of being right?
Resentment is a critical source of error and waste in our lives, and it’s worth our time to take a careful look at it. In today’s conversation, I want to visit three important questions to help us save ourselves from this monstrosity that usually festers invisibly:
What is resentment, and how does it hold us back?
How do we let go of resentment?
What really matters to you?
Let me start off by saying that this conversation comes from a place of self-reflection, not a moral high ground. I have been resentful in my past, and I have lost opportunities and spoiled relationships because I was too angry and unwilling to forgive. In a mood of resentment, I misunderstood people’s intentions and remained blind to my contribution to the mess.
Just recently, I met with two former business partners of mine. They shared that the startup we co-founded (which I left due to resentment) is now valued at over $100 million, with a recent funding round of $30 million. I owned 25% of that company at the start. If I hadn’t left, I would have a very different net worth today—but I got trapped in resentment and was asked to walk away.
My former partners and I have long since reconciled, and I’m happy with the work I’m doing now. But this is a perfect example of how resentment can totally destroy possibilities.
Resentment costs you—costs you big time. But it also has a payoff. Holding on to resentment lets you avoid taking responsibility. It lets you feel entitled to throw tantrums—to get your way.
But then it clings to you like a toxic trait. Even if you want to stop, you can’t. It’s just not sustainable.
So, let’s investigate: Where does resentment come from? It’s essentially a response to some perceived injustice—some justice expected but not received. It feels like, “Life is not fair to me.”
When you perceive an injustice, it can spark an ongoing belief that people often betray you—that you’re perpetually doomed.
Worse yet, you may begin expecting betrayal in nearly all your relationships, so even the smallest misdeed provokes mistrust. Some people react by saying, “I’m just not going to trust anyone,” which creates a deep mistrust of everyone. Others say, “I’ll only trust you if you do exactly what I tell you,” and that spirals into a control issue.
Neither approach is helpful.
In this resentful way of being, we often miss the chance to see others’ perspectives. We end up putting people into “evil” boxes, permanently labeling them. We throw tantrums and hold on to resentment like it’s a prized possession.
It becomes a habit, a way of being. Instead of being upfront—saying, “Hey, I’m upset; let’s talk about it”—we withhold love and kindness, expecting others to figure out what’s wrong. We produce breakdowns and create a toxic environment where everyone has to walk on eggshells.
Eventually, resentment becomes an invisible commitment to being upset, no matter what. Even apologies don’t dissolve it. The desire for justice turns into a quest for vendetta. Pretty scary, isn’t it?
So, how do you let go of resentment?
The place to start is owning up to the fact that you’re resentful. The first step is saying, “Yes, I’m upset. I’m hurt by this.”
Declare the perceived injustice as a breakdown rather than the status quo. Because when you accept injustice as the status quo, resentment becomes permanent, and you start chopping up your relationships. But for the sake of your future, don’t stay stuck in “I just don’t feel good.” Explore it. Seek new possibilities by having open discussions and co-create commitments to reinvent relationships.
Next, you have to do something that may feel irrational, i.e., give up being right, even when you believe you truly are. There will be a loud voice in your head insisting, “YOU KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT,” but you give it up anyway. You begin having more compassion for others’ situations, and you forgive them.
Forgiveness is the master move in the game of life. Without it, you might have functional relationships, but you’ll never experience real freedom and joy in them. Holding on to resentment ultimately damages you. Forgiveness requires recognizing that we’re all human—we all make mistakes.
Jesus famously said, “Those that haven’t sinned may cast the first stone.” Or as Rumi wrote, “Like children, we spill the salt and then spill it again.”
Out of care for ourselves and one another, we must forgive. Over time, we might even realize that others were doing their best or that their actions weren’t as harmful as we first believed.
At this point, you might be saying, “Why should I forgive when I know I was wronged?” The key question is: What really matters to you? What is truly, deeply important to you?
Do you want to be a powerful human being who’s capable of mistakes, forgiveness, and growth—or do you want to act out your feelings, throw tantrums, and bully people into fearing you? What quality of life do you really want? What kind of human being do you want to be known as? Someone who has a lot of grace and wins people’s hearts, or a Machiavellian jerk who rules by fear? Some say the ends justify the means, but the blind spot here is that there is no final “end.” Everything you do—every tantrum, every resentful outburst—has consequences. You might feel avenged and get what you want at the moment, but there will be fallout, guaranteed.
If your aim is to live a life of grace and joy, to be cherished by your communities, then giving up resentment will serve you well. Again, to give up resentment, you must give up being right. You must forgive others and forgive yourself. See how you may have misunderstood others’ intentions, and be open to your own part in the breakdown.
I want you to do it before you lose an opportunity of nearly $25 million as I did, or before you lose a key relationship or the love and acceptance of your community. I really don’t know how to end this conversation other than to offer a simple prayer: may you give up being right, and for the sake of a better future, speak directly with those you resent and own your contribution to the matter.
If you choose to let go of a major resentment, I’d be honored to hear about your journey.
With care,
Saqib