Dear friend,
Last week I wrote to you about killing being nice and quitting being nasty, and about the two moves that put you in a powerful position in any relationship: being direct, and being kind. It resonated with many of you, and one friend, Peter Yaholkovsky, who wrote an important book called Listening for Candor, asked me to say more. For the sake of what do we kill being nice and quit being nasty? For what purpose do we choose to be direct and kind?
He is right to ask. It is one of the most important questions there is: what really matters in a relationship where we are aiming for some change, some transformation? For the sake of what would we risk our identity, our comfort, and perturb things?
When we tune into what is genuinely at stake in a situation, it gives us a place to stand and a space to move. When we do not, we drift into worrying about style, personality, the psychological dimensions that feel fixed and about which we can do little. How often have you heard yourself say, “Well, I am just this kind of person”?
Consider an example. A colleague is doing something that does not sit right with you, or does not meet your company’s standards. But you want to keep things pleasant, to be liked. So you default to nice. You disagree, but you act nice as a strategy, and you end up resentful. The relationship looks pleasant while it quietly decays. Snapping back with an angry outburst does the same damage from the other side: people go silent in the face of it, and resentment grows. Trust is the first casualty of that silent war, and once trust is gone, all of it unravels. People quit, people are fired, the future shrinks.
In a moment like that, what really matters is the future of your business and the future of your relationship with each other. So for the sake of a better future together, for your well-being and the well-being of others, for the shared power of your business, your family, your community, you might kill being nice and quit being nasty, and instead be kind, and be direct.
With care,Saqib