Dear friend,
How many opportunities have you lost, in your job, your career, your life, because of resentment? How many relationships thrown away, how much belonging missed, because you refused to forgive and let go of being right?
Resentment is a deep source of error and waste in our lives, and it is worth looking at carefully. I want to take on three questions: what resentment is and how it holds us back, how to let go of it, and what really matters to you. Let me say first that this comes from self-reflection, not from any moral high ground. I have been resentful. I have lost opportunities and spoiled relationships because I was too angry and unwilling to forgive, misreading people’s intentions, blind to my own part in the mess.
Recently I met two former business partners. They told me the startup we co-founded, the one I left out of resentment, is now valued at over a hundred million dollars, with a recent thirty-million round. I owned a quarter of it at the start. Had I stayed, my life would look very different. But I was trapped in resentment, and I walked away. We have long since reconciled, and I am happy with the work I do now. But it is a perfect example of how completely resentment can destroy possibility.
Resentment costs you, and it costs you big. It also has a payoff, which is why we cling to it: holding on lets you avoid responsibility, and it lets you feel entitled to throw tantrums and get your way. Then it clings to you like a toxic trait, and even when you want to stop, you cannot. Where does it come from? It is a response to some perceived injustice, some fairness expected and not received. It feels like, life is not fair to me. And once you perceive injustice, it can harden into a belief that people will always betray you, until you expect betrayal everywhere and the smallest misstep provokes mistrust. Some react with “I will not trust anyone.” Others with “I will trust you only if you do exactly as I say.” Neither helps.
In that resentful way of being, we miss the chance to see other perspectives. We file people into “evil” boxes and label them permanently. We hold the resentment like a prized possession until it becomes a habit, a whole way of being. Instead of saying plainly, “I am upset, let’s talk,” we withhold our love and kindness and expect others to guess what is wrong. We create breakdowns and a climate where everyone walks on eggshells. Eventually resentment becomes an invisible commitment to staying upset no matter what, where even an apology cannot dissolve it, and the wish for justice curdles into a wish for vendetta.
So how do you let go? It starts with owning that you are resentful. “Yes, I am upset. I am hurt by this.” Declare the perceived injustice as a breakdown rather than the status quo, because the moment you accept injustice as the status quo, resentment becomes permanent and you start severing your relationships. Then comes the part that feels irrational: give up being right, even when you are sure you are. A loud voice will insist that you know you are right. Give it up anyway. Begin to have compassion for the other’s situation, and forgive.
Forgiveness is the master move in the game of life. Without it you may have functional relationships, but never real freedom or joy in them. It asks us to recognize that we are all human and all make mistakes. As Jesus said, let the one who has not sinned cast the first stone. As Rumi wrote, like children, we spill the salt, and then we spill it again.
You may ask why you should forgive when you know you were wronged. The real question underneath is: what matters to you? Do you want to be a powerful human being capable of mistakes, forgiveness, and growth, or do you want to act out your feelings and rule by fear? What quality of life do you actually want? Some say the ends justify the means, but there is no final end; everything you do has consequences, and every resentful outburst has fallout, guaranteed. If you want a life of grace and joy, cherished by your communities, then giving up resentment will serve you. And to give it up, you must give up being right, forgive others, and forgive yourself.
I want you to do it before you lose what I lost. I do not know how to end this better than with a simple prayer: may you give up being right, and, for the sake of a better future, speak directly with those you resent, and own your own part in the matter.
With care,Saqib