Dear friend,
Want to kill your career, in any job, any role, any position? Start being resentful.
If you are a CEO, start resenting your direct reports and your board. If you are an engineer, start resenting your manager and the engineers who think differently from you. No, of course not.
So what is this way of being that has us withhold the best of ourselves, that blocks care and, in the end, blocks the growth of our careers and our lives? It is a little voice whispering that we have been wronged. Sometimes it is open resentment: I don’t like you, leave me alone. Sometimes it is the quieter sibling, ressentiment with a small i: I don’t like you, but I will play along. Both are very good at killing possibility, joy, relationship, and potential.
What are we usually resentful about? Sometimes not being noticed, listened to, acknowledged. Other times, not getting what we felt entitled to. It is striking how many people at work, as leaders, employees, independents, live in a resentful state, loud or quiet. We need a serious and sudden shift about this.
I looked at myself recently and found I was resentful about my own choices: moving to the US, divorcing, starting companies, not already being a billionaire. I have begun to give it up. The truth is I am blessed beyond measure, in relationships and in capacities. The little voice still whispers, but you were never really given a chance to. I no longer pay it much attention. I am grateful for the opportunity. In this era, if you have a job and a team, count that as a blessing.
If you are holding resentment at work, explore it. See where you have not yet owned your own satisfaction, where you have not created the conditions for it. Notice whether the assessment that you have been wronged actually helps you, or does not.
Fernando recently scolded me, in a room full of people, about my commitment to relationships. At first I was resentful at the injury to my identity. Then a new assessment arrived: I am being asked to raise my game in every one of my relationships.
Resentment is just a stuck assessment that people are out to get you. Do not treat that little voice as solid gold. It is the adaptive child in you, wanting to be safe and validated, and it is holding you back from something new that wants to happen. In any relationship where you feel it, ask what really matters: being right, or having trust and joy?
Do not wait until you have it all figured out. Get into conversation. Complain, apologize, listen, talk, laugh, cry. Be human together. As my friend Chauncey Bell likes to say, we have to learn to open our mouths and make messes, and then clean up those messes. Resentment is being small. Joy is being larger than life.
With care,Saqib